a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just gift wrapped bread.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
