I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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