I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
