you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize