remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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