im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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