I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
