i think i have two assholes
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
