He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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