yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He's a Shit stain on my heart
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
