im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
