If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
