Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
