Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
