apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
