My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
