i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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