my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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