anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
