Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
