nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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