i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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