Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
