I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
