so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
