i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You made out with two different species that night
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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