Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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