this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
