alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You took a bar mat shot.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
