Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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