somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize