Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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