i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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