My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
