this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
