I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
