I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
