the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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