Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I AM VODKA MAN
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We are all done wearing pants today
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
