why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize