he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I skipped work to stalk him.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize