now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
