Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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