im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
