I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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