Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
