You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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