don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
