I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
