you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize