someone threw a dead crab at me
He kissed a someone with a penis
please come you make the beer taste better
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
