Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
as a side note pls kill me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
