Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
