oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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