Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
