My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
