apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The beer is more important than you right now.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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