Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Randomize
