i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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