you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
