when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
