there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How does it feel to date your dad?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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