his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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