dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
